Motherhood My Way

I LOVE being a mom. I have always wanted to be a mommy. I had tons of baby dolls (probably still have them all, who can throw away their "children"?). They all had names, real names (not just "Baby", no, there was Susie, Mikey, Crystal....). I always took a baby with me where ever I went. I cared for them, nursed them, changed their clothes and diapers even wore them in a baby carrier.

I remember when I was about 6 and my sister was pregnant I would pull out a medical book we had and show her what her baby looked like. I looked at this book so much that those pages are falling out now.

When I got to be in my late teens, (very) early 20's I became unsure if I would ever get married. While I looked forward to being married and having someone I was also sad at the prospect that I would not have children. Sure, I could have possibly adopted but I wanted to be pregnant, to feel the baby, to know that they were growing in me. I would often pray something along the lines of, "God, I really desire to get married and have children. If this is not Your will please help me to be content."

Thankfully, God saw fit to bless me with a husband. Not only a husband but a husband that wanted children too. We had planned on waiting a bit before trying to get pregnant. We waited 6 months. After 5 months of trying we finally conceived. Our joy was short lived as that child left this earth for something better. Despite having a husband and being pregnant once I feared we wouldn't ever have a healthy child.

During that short pregnancy I began to research various things. Prior to that I had no strong feelings regarding pregnancy, birth and child rearing. I remember buying a certain book and telling a friend. She warned me of some possible concerns if I were to parent with that method. I read the first chapter before I got distracted with other books. Now it's collecting dust. (Yes, my son is nearly 4 months old and I have not needed that book.)

When I conceived again I read even more books. Two books really changed the way I looked at things, "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth" by Henci Goer and "The Birth Book" by the Sears. I seriously could not put these down! They opened a whole new world for me. This is when my strong feelings began to submerge.

It was at this point that I began to realize how the medical field instills so much confidence that women do not research on their own. I am not at all against modern medicine (though it's sad to think how much of it is motivated by the almighty dollar but that probably a topic in and of itself). I am, however, all for women doing their research. Doctors do not know everything. How can they have time to see patients, deliver babies and still have time to stay on top of every issue?

I don't like to look at pregnancy and childbirth as a medical condition but bear with me. If you had ANY other medical issue would you not research it??? You would want to know who the best doctor was, what was the best treatment, what you could do to have a good outcome. Despite this, women in general do very little research regarding pregnancy and birth.

I was blessed with a great pregnancy. I had zero complications. I just knew the birth would throw me for a loop. My biggest fear was having to have a c-section. (There are often medical reasons for needing one but I do think doctors abuse this. Again, that's not the point.) I knew that despite planning for natural birth I could handle having to get an epidural if that would help the baby. But I knew I would have a hard time emotionally handling a c-section.

I began to figure out why so many births happen through c-sections. The answer: medical interventions. The trend seemed to be that for every intervention you allowed, the more risk you would need another one. (Let me also say that medical interventions are often needed but again are often abused.) I knew that the first step was not to be induced. If I could avoid that I could avoid the painful Pitocin contractions. If I could do without those I had a better chance of not needing an epidural. I knew that with Pitocin I would also be confined to bed rather than being able to use movements to help my labor. Without moving my labor could stall or I could stop progressing and then they would begin saying the C word.

I was unwilling to take these risks. I knew that God created my body to birth babies. I knew that countless other women had given birth without pain medication. I knew that I, too, could have a natural birth. But I also knew that I had to be determined. This was not something I could go into half-heartedly. As my son's birth approached I began to have some doubts but kept reminding myself that I could do this. I reminded myself that any pain I would experience would be short lived in comparison to everything else. For me, it was not worth all the possible risks that would have long term effects to take a medication that would (or might) take away my pain for the hours I was in labor. Thankfully, God heard my prayers and gave me the strength to have the birth that I desired.

His birth was only the beginning of my role as a mom. Just as his birth was not mainstream, many of my parenting choices are not mainstream. Because of this I keep some of my decisions and choices to myself or only share with close friends. Others I am more than happy to talk freely about. Bottom line is that I am C's mom. I will raise him in the way that is right for him, me and M (my husband). It may not work for anyone else and that's okay.

Before C was born I decided I would do what worked for our family. I did not buy into any one style of parenting. I was not going to put myself in any box. By deciding to instinctively parent I have never doubted my abilities or whether or not I was doing things right. I believe firmly that God gave mothers instincts just as He has given every animal instincts to mother their young.

I really believe that if we learned to trust these instincts in everything and not subscribe to what others think or expect us to do that we could be more confident in our skills as parents. I think it's important to gain this confidence when his biggest needs are keeping him fed and dry. It's kind of hard to mess that up! But yet, if I can become confident in knowing how to care for my son then I can be more confident when making bigger decisions later in his life. How many parent's are feeling overwhelmed or like failures because they trust others rather than themselves.

I made a commitment to C the second he was conceived. It was then that my life was not my top priority any more. I gave up my right to be selfish. This is not always easy. Sometimes I get overwhelmed at the thought that I will always be C's mom. No one else can do my job. This is a big commitment but one that I gladly made. C did not ask to come into this world. I asked him to be part of my life. How can I ask him to fit into the exact spot I've made for him? Babies aren't always convenient but too many parents expect them to be.

I feed C on cue (I once referred to this as on demand but have since found on cue to be more accurate). Sometimes C eats every 2 hours. Sometimes he goes as many as 5 or 6. Before I was a mom I thought mothers that did this were setting their children up to be snackers, demanding, overweight, etc. That could not be farther from the truth! Thankfully, I learned that breast milk is digested quicker than formula. Breast fed babies typically do not over eat. While a child may learn to be demanding an infant is not capable of that. They only know that they are hungry. Who am I to decide whether my child is hungry or not? It's also interesting to know that babies will nurse in a way to effect their mother's supply so that there is enough food. Nursing is a give and take relationship. I rely on him to help me produce milk and he relies on me to nourish him with that milk. Upsetting that balance by extreme scheduling can often have negative consequences.

C gets held most of the day. I have gotten varying comments about this. Some parents have told us to hold our children because they grow up to quickly. Others have told me that I am spoiling him and will regret holding him. I'm not going to say how my holding him will effect the person he becomes but I do know that there are plenty of benefits. This contact with him also helps me produce the milk he needs to thrive. Holding him also forces me to take breaks. I need these breaks to fully heal and to keep the strength and energy I need to have to be a good mother. More than any of that holding him helps us to bond, helps him to trust and feel loved.

When I do not have two free hands to hold him I wear him. I wear him at home while I work, at worship services, the grocery store. I LOVE it! People stop us all the time and question us about this. It's not a new concept but one that has been thrown aside in our society. It really makes my life easier to have this option. It keeps C happy and gives us more time together.

We do not make C cry for long periods of time. I cannot refuse that affection and quality time when he asks for it. That goes against every instinct that I have. There are times that he has to cry because I am otherwise occupied. These times break my heart. It is interesting to me that studies have been done regarding the mother's reaction to her child's cry. There are physical changes in the mother's body when her child cries. As mothers we wish to make our children happy. I wouldn't ignore my talking child's requests but some in society expect us to ignore what our babies are trying to tell us. C doesn't cry for the fun of it. He is always trying to tell me something. He has different cries for each need, even my dad has made note of that. Experts also tell us that babies that are not made to cry for extended periods of time are smarter. This is not to say that other babies are not but it stands to reason that if C is not spending his time being unhappy and crying that he has time to be alert and focus on the things going on around him.

As I said, there are other choices we have made that may not be popular. I'm not sure how many I am going to divulge here but time will tell. Before I was a mom I never thought I'd be doing some of these things. Again, I do not think my way is the only way but it's working great for us and I can't help but hope other parents would give some of these choices a chance. The bottom line though, is that each of have been given children to raise and nurture so that they are able to serve the Lord. Despite the different techniques this is the only desired outcome. If you succeed in that nothing else matters.